Category: Health

I wish the real world would just stop bothering me

by MAÔ, posted in Ego, Pathfinding

Getting out into the world is a lot different now then it used to be. I think.

I didn’t really get out into the world much, until I reached adulthood. Sure, my family took me on vacation. I ran screaming from a log cabin (with no bathroom – it was housed in a communal facility down in a common area); went on cruises to the Caribbean and Mexico (and when I was a teenager, drank way too much); saw Niagara Falls (Canada side); and went fishing, clamming and crabbing in Long Island. I did some great family and travel stuff, but it didn’t prepare me for… well, adulthood.

There it is again. Adulting. Something that I think about now, in mid-thirties, much more than I did in my twenties. Life was going along swimmingly, at least until the year I turned 27.

That was the year of two car crashes, one causing anxiety attics that prevented me from driving for a time, and one taking a loved one and leaving me emotionally traumatized for many years. Six months after the second collision, a mysterious illness came on, and over four months I gradually lost mobility at an alarming rate.

January, the following year, it was diagnosed as RA. I drove my ex-girlfriend (very recently broken up) to Boston to live with family, and I returned to be laid off from my job.

I’d call that a low point in my life.

Picking myself up by the bootstraps (or, writing a couple of essays and going heavily into student loan debt), I enrolled in a Master’s program. The Doc put me on all kinds of meds, with some odd side-effects. (Drinking while on the medication resulted in extreme cases of aggression, where I thought it would be good to fight bars full of people. I also had liver enzyme issues, and was often pulled off and placed on new prescriptions.)

I’ve since forgotten what it was to feel in sound body, but at least I’ve not taken medications for over a year and still feel alright enough to move around. I travel now, not just the week-long vacations but month or more-long immersion. I love camping. And that moving around is bringing me to the question of what I should say no to.

Finding this bit of text in Tim Ferriss’s Tribe of Mentors led to this post, and I think I’ll be adapting it for my use:

“…the more clear I am about what my goals are, the more easily I can say no. I have a notebook into which I’ve recorded all sorts of goals, both big and small, over the last ten or so years. When I take the time to articulate what it is that I hope to achieve, it’s simple to refer to the list and see whether saying yes to an opportunity will take me toward or away from achieving that goal.”

-Samin Nosrat

Said another way, “Will this get me closer to my mountain?”

Circadian living

by MAÔ, posted in Sleep

Been conducting a personal experiment of sorts. First, I’ve taken what Dr. Satchin Panda said in his TED Talk (you can also hear more on the Bulletproof Radio podcast), and have been eating within a ten-twelve hour period during the day, no longer snacking later than that window.

Second, I’m being more mindful of the light that inhabits my senses. I try and wake at sunrise (to an extent), and shut down blue lights at sundown. I’ve been slowly adjusting into this experiment, and am finding a better night’s sleep.

(One exception to my better sleep were the two nights following my viewing of the film Hereditary. Honestly, that last ten-minute sequence – or however long it was – has been playing in my mind every time I shut the lights off. Didn’t care for the movie on the whole, but that sequence was enough to give me pause before crawling into bed.

Some health news

by MAÔ, posted in Medical

This last week I went in for extensive bloodwork. Starting at baseline for where I am, I needed to know what kind of surprises would be in store for me as I make my way to health once again.

As I mentioned previously, the diagnosis of RA caught me off guard, and I’ve never been satisfied with. Now, I’m doing my due diligence and researching everything I can. I’m altering my diet, my sleep habits and my exercise routine.

As of right now, I’m looking at the following markers:

  1. Rheumatoid Factor: 25.3 IU/mL (Above normal range of 0.0-13.9)
  2. C-Reactive Protein: 4.33 mg/L (above normal range of 0.00-3.00)

This is the starting line. This is where I begin my quest to heal myself.

Fighting the Unseen

by MAÔ, posted in Medical

It’s scary. It’s daunting. It’s the Unknown. The Unseen.

And while it takes many forms, this time it’s so personal that fighting it seems nearly impossible.

In the summer of 2011, my body started having unusual symptoms. It started in my right foot, and I had believed it was a sports injury of some kind. I was avid gym junkie, working out on average one to two hours per day, four or five days a week. I would run, cycle, lift weights, jump rope. I was in good shape. Probably the best shape of my life up to that point.

When my foot started aching, I tried resting it. After several weeks, with no improvement, I sought out some medical advice from a friend of mine – a certified physician’s assistant. The diagnosis, she thought? Plantar fasciitis.

So, I picked up a little shunt for the foot, and one night I put it on. I awoke in the morning with such pain running through my leg, I thought I would cry. It was throbbing, and it felt like a vice was squeezing the insides of my foot. It took a day or two before the pain subsided to the point that it was previously.

Now approaching September, it had spread. My leg was stiffening, and I wasn’t moving as easily as I used to. I had stopped working out. I couldn’t control my leg. I went for ex rays on the foot, visited a podiatrist. No breaks, no unusual skeletal or muscular problems.

In October I visited a them park. Universal Studios for Halloween Horror Nights. I went unaided, but probably with a bottle of aspirin or Tylenol. Popping them temporarily relieved the pain. By the end of the night, only six hours on my feet, I could not stand without assistance. I was shambling, no longer walking. I thought perhaps I was dying. That some mysterious neurological ailment was shutting my body down, piece by piece.

The next month was the worst, and I walked with a cane. It took nearly fifteen minutes to get out of bed. Every part of my body was in terrible pain. The zest I had for life was leaving me. I had scheduled more doctor appointments, CAT scan, MRI, blood work. The doctors thought it important to rule out cancer.

The doctor noticed high sed rates (erythrocyte sedimentation rate) in my blood levels, and referred me to a specialist. A rheumatologist. In the interim I was prescribed Celebrex, a strong, nasty anti-inflammatory. And, it worked.

For the next three months, before the specialist could see me, I took Celebrex and began feeling revived. Energy levels came back, pain subsided, and I had a semblance of life again.

In January, 2012, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Suddenly, my invisible affliction had a name.

And yet, there was something unsettled for me regarding this diagnosis. That will be the crux of what I write about in this medical series, as I explore new options for my health. Because over the last six years I’ve been on numerous medications, suffered flare-ups and bouts of depression and anxiety, visited with holistic specialists, and have wondered whether I would ever have a normal life again.

I don’t yet know the answers, but I’ll share the questions on here, and what I find out.

Back to nature

by MAÔ, posted in Ego

When did we develop such hubris as to tame Nature? To say that we knew best for our wild Mother?

Don’t get me wrong. I love the conveniences of modernity. But knowing that all of these are mere constructs of our claim of superiority over Nature, I feel that we are in for a cruel surprise when the forces we think we know show us their full potential.

We humans are still so new. So inexperienced. And yet we walk around so certain of ourselves. With all we know, are we any more fulfilled than the wolf, or the boar, or the elk?

The thing is, it’s not enough to know facts – if for these facts we sacrifice our animalistic aspects. We are smart. We are clever. But we are not the Ultimate Power. If we were, we wouldn’t stay locked inside what we view as a protective place (home, office, car, etc.), ensuring only what we let in could pass the threshold.

No Ultimate Power has ever feared an intruder. Only those with delusions of power. And being delusional is seemingly a very human device. For the wolf knows it is a wolf. The boar, that it is a boar. And the elk, an elk.

To tap into one’s humanity is to release the ego – this inflated sense of self that man has come to identify with. I’ve heard time and again that facing one’s own mortality is what teaches us to be alive. What it means to be.

Until we let down these walls of sense, and reconnect with the wild, natural world, all we can be are pretenders.

Sleepy Nights

by MAÔ, posted in Sleep

One dog beneath my feet, another to my right on the couch. The third is loudly drinking water from the container in the kitchen. He had been moving discreetly about, his nails lacking on the linoleum. I’ve just updated my OS with a new app that alters the lighting of the device, the intent to aid in my sleep.

Not that my sleep has been suffering. I’ve just been mindful of my sleep quality since returning from a cruise nearly two weeks ago.

The ship voyage gave me ample time to read, to rest and to recover; to eat good, healthy food; to use the gym on a daily basis, increasing my activity levels. Upon returning from this trip I’ve been intent on maintaining that quality of life.

There have been some challenges. One is in the preparation of my own food. Another has been work, which isn’t consistent in location. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been at no less than three locations, one of which was nearly five hours away. Making that drive twice left me drained and uncomfortable.

Still another has been my rehearsal schedule, very nearly every night. I’ve added another production to the two I already have scheduled, so that I’ll be quite busy now until the middle of May.

Handling the stress of an ever-growing schedule isn’t always the most sustainable activity. However I do believe that it is doable, and that I have been doing it.

Full nights of sleep are the most enjoyable aspect, and finding ways to hack my sleep have become my nighttime ritual. I’ve dimmed or covered as many of the LEDs that I could in my room. The one I haven’t brought myself to put any tape over is on the smoke detector on the ceiling. Though, I am able to turn my head away from it in bed.

Several apps come in handy, providing soundscapes for my sleep. Waking rested in the morning, I am able to write and prepare for work efficiently. No dragging ass to the kitchen for that first, and second cup of coffee.

I’m writing by candlelight, reading some as well. While flipping through the book of Sontag essays, I had the sudden urge to write. Reading good writing makes me want to write.

And sitting in twilit lighting makes me ready to sleep.

Enough

by MAÔ, posted in Spirituality

I think I’ve been fed up over the past couple of weeks. Busy, yes. But I come to the blog to put my thoughts out there. Unload them, give them away. Hopefully to help me deal with issues that I’ve been wrestling with over the past two or so years.

The past couple of weeks have seemed to be tough, though. Politics, gun violence, sexual predation revelations in Hollywood, government, and in a vast number of other places. And with that much negative juju, I’ve had to turn inward. Just for a bit, to recharge my batteries.

Some of that time has been spent in goal-planning. Some in quiet meditation, walking outside, forest bathing and basking in the sun. I’ve not read much over these last weeks, but I’ve re-explored my musical interests.

I think sometimes the spirit needs to be refreshed, and how it’s done can be different for everyone. There have been times when stress has overcome me. Not many. I usually walk through life relatively easy-going and stress free. But I recall an instance when I was coming home after a particularly long day at work, then an hour and a half in traffic. Upon walking in to my already messy house, I discovered that the dog had significantly contributed to the mess by the way doggies do. And I lost it.

I’ve since left that job, cut my commute, and moved out of that house. Some problems need not be exacerbated by continuing in their cycle.

Some problems, however, cannot be avoided. And thus a period of recharge is necessary.

Stretching past resistance

by MAÔ, posted in Yoga

I’m stretching out the muscles in my legs.

As I’m stretching them out, pushing forwards and backwards on my legs, alleviating the tension that builds up, I notice the resistance. Resistance that is met in a forward bend and backward bend. And just as the resistance becomes so terrible, so unbearable, the tension releases. I can feel the muscle actually give way – it sort of vibrates, and then it’s loose.

I think of it as a metaphor for all resistance we face. I don’t push the stretch to the point where the muscle will tear. That would do irreparable harm. But I’m finding the space just past comfortable, where I’m living in the state of discomfort, until the muscle finally gives. The resistance breaks.

You must lean into the points, as Pena Chödrön says. 

Night Terrors

by MAÔ, posted in Sleep

When I’m sleeping, I sometimes suffer from these twitches. I’ve been told that as I sleep I’ll give a full body convulsion. I’d chalked it up to night terrors, primarily because when I recall what I’ve been dreaming, it’s not usually the most pleasant.

Someone I was working a job with told me that before his anxiety attacks kicked in, he was having those twitching fits.

“Great”, I thought. More rough seas ahead. My parents already thought that I had gone through a nervous breakdown last year. I’m not entirely sure that I didn’t.

But I did some research on these twitches, and it turns out it’s much more common than I realized. They’re called hypnagogic (or hypnic) jerks, and also sleep starts, and perhaps up to 70% of people experience them.

It’s possible, then, that I just sleep poorly, and have numerous sleep starts throughout the night. Still, I’m more sure now that it’s not night terrors.

Purpose, it’s that little flame…

by MAÔ, posted in Faith, philosophy, Spirituality

We’re here to learn, and these lessons are predetermined. It’s up to us to work through the past karmic debt we carry. We are all connected, aspects of an eternal force, the Godhead, Universe, or Source. We carry with us the possibility for understanding and love.

The meaning of life is to experience. It’s the only rational purpose I can assign to the mystery of it all. Why we suffer, why we grieve, why we continue to love and give of ourselves. It’s a spiritual existence having a temporary physical one.

In that interconnectedness, we must understand that what we do to others is manifest in what will happen to us. Karma. The golden rule. These are the elements of all faiths that show us that behaving well, caring for each other, is a righteous path.

The belief that power over others will somehow fulfill us causes us to seek out status. Financial gains, palatial estates, the ability to hire and fire as we see fit. An ego-driven force that tarnishes our spiritual efforts. 

We are born with a pervasive want, or need, driving us towards some goal. As children, I believe, we have a better grasp of who we are and our place in the Universe. It’s as we age, and become educated, that the neuroses begin to develop. What if we’re not good enough? What if we don’t succeed?

Yet, if happiness can be found in a job well done, and a life well lived, than the other trappings and accoutrement are superfluous.